Out of the Blue

seemingly

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 10:18:19 GMT

it is like two people talking with full mouths
and purposely empty eyes
it is like the dog that barks
but never bites
it is like the bird that sings
in an unfamiliar language
it is like hands that touch you
but eyes that never see through
it is like ears that sharpen
but do not seem to listen

you desire recognition
but people barely seem to give you
more than the superficial part
of their time of day
but you yourself cannot see
how you are caught in your own deception
of what they seem to say

eviltweeter © 2009

denken

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:59:46 GMT

jij bent jij
en niet you
want ik denk nog steeds
in het nederlands

maar ik schrijf (over) jau
zoals ik dat graag wil
en of ik nu de hele weg ga of niet,
wat maakt het uit
het is geen vraag maar
een retorische
opties open houdende
stelling
vrij vertaald vanuit
een taal die mij zo bekend lijkt
maar eigenlijk helemaal niet bij mij hoort.

dus verloochen ik mezelf
dan? daarna?
wat betekent het eigenlijk
hoe of in welke taal
ik het schrijf of zeg?

jij bent jij
en niet van mij
maar nu denk ik nog steeds
vanuit mezelf
en dat leidt me naar de grote vraag
die onbeantwoord blijft
is betrokkenheid een leugen
die regeert in mezelf
maar nooit de macht zal krijgen
over allen in het spel?

vraagtekens achter elke zin
lijden, het leven
naar achterlijke waanzin

maar ik ben slechts ik
en jij niet

eviltweeter © 2009

number, not language

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 23:03:19 GMT

so now there's nothing left to wish upon
except the passing cars
the good company of city lights
is drowning out the stars
this parkbench is a lifeboat
and the rest a big dark sea
and i'm just gonna lie here
until something comes and finds me
-- Ani © 2009

i don’t really care whether or not
people understand this
i got things to say that need space
and this page is all i need
and they might laugh because
my definitions might show my age
but then,
are you ever really wise enough
to shake the thought
there’s always going to be
someone wiser than you
who might know and see and do
much more than your age
can pretend to see through?
oh, it is so relative
the moment you employ the argument
of age
to strengthen the point you wish to make
it’s hard to see how a wise you
cannot miss the security it fakes
so i don’t really care whether or not
people agree with me
as long as i know why i agree with
my unencumbered self
also embedded in social reality
but able to see the bullshit
through all the trees
able to see age,
for what it is

a number and not a language.

eviltweeter © 2009

ignorance

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 10:45:23 GMT

i don’t love you for your
compliance
your agreeing nature
or your forced finesse
i don’t love you for your
pretended mystery
your imagined rationality
your complicated emotional
yet unconsciously
manipulated strategy
i don’t care much for your
silent inhibition
your intended ambiguous rendition
and of course,
insecurity seeping through
all of these obscure views
you penetrate heavy minds
with your intelligence
but the thick headedness
of your reasoning
leads you to unimpressive belligerence
i don’t care much for your denial
of my emotional depth
i don’t care much in general
for abneural
ignorance

eviltweeter © 2009

desert

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 19:45:35 GMT

the scolding is continuous
this story far more true than the one
i told you

my body pulses like a
pavlov dog
i swear that like a cat
i have nine lives
so i imagine that
the pain does not matter much
except for when it’s a prelude to
my death
but then still,
i’d have another eight left,
it’s the mark written down
in the top right corner of the page
every time i automatically
jump up to fetch the reward

still,
this beating is continuous
and i cover up bruises
with the make-up of clowns

i don’t understand how you can still love me
after this insanely true story
of the never ending way
i undermine myself
with insecurity

this beating is continuous
the pain does not matter much

i anticipate and fetch the reward
for my good behavior
but i will never resist the urge
to punish myself,
afterwards,
for what i don’t think i deserve.

eviltweeter © 2009

our minds

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 12:14:39 GMT

my heart was cut open
and i can't say why
because you would laugh
and not understand
either way,
you were the one
who sewed it closed again
using a tiny needle
you replaced the big black hole
with tiny insignificant ones
through which a cord was strung
crazy tight
so my heart sings now
whenever you're around

my eyes were blinded
and i can't say why
cause your eyes would smile
and i wouldn't understand
why
either way,
you saw me
you lifted up more than my shirt
and looked underneath
actually, i don't know how you did it
it was not a thought experiment
you simply touched me
and i could see
again

sometimes, though
what you see is not what you get
and what you feel might not be
submissive enough
to the concrete power
of the mind

this is what you told me
i pretended i couldn't hear you
but how could i not?
there was nothing wrong
with my ears
even before you came along

you are unavailable
and i am not
but a thought experiment
might get us past that
so i will thank you for your help
i will not kiss you goodbye,
i'll shake your hand
bye, teacher of matters of seeing
bye, teacher of matters of feeling
our minds are intelligent enough
to fantasize about what we can't be
doing

eviltweeter © 2009

closed

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 22:43:33 GMT

why do i lock my door,
all the time?
the visitors don't come anyway.

red letter

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 22:04:15 GMT

there’s a red letter
sitting on the edge of my desk
and I’m sitting here,
staring at it
yesterday I passed through the hallway
I met you again
we walked to the elevator
and exchanged warm smiles
you asked me how I was doing
and how my difficult choice was
coming along?
I told you it was not
so easy to give a clear answer to that
I told you I’d written the letter
but had not posted it yet
we got on the elevator
you asked me where I was going
I answered “to the ground floor”
you questioned my choice and said
“now why would you want that?”
I told you how
this would be a red letter year
so I need my feet
planted firmly on the ground
and need my head
out of the clouds

eviltweeter © 2009

oysters mating

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 15:55:11 GMT

I finally came across
a new world
when you fed me with your
dreams.
I took a peek from
underneath my own freedom
and emerged from Plato’s cave
to see you there.
really, I,
always knew you would come,
one day
to sweep me off my feet
and inject passionate love
into me.
really, I,
always knew the day would come
when our worlds of freedom would collide
and we’d no longer only live inside
our shells.

eviltweeter © 2009

ordinary

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 21:25:27 GMT

drip. drip. drip.
they said they wanted out
but i wanted them back,
in.
they leaked onto the floor
spilled over the tub
and the edge of my coffee cup

then they started being careless and said:
“let’s go for the cliché”
and finally made their way
down my cheeks.

no control. no control. no control.
you accused me of having too much,
but,
I don’t understand how you can miss
the point so greatly.
don’t you know that wanting control
might mean that one lost it,
somewhere,
along the way?
down my cheeks,
a long, long way,
until they shattered when they finally
reached the ground.

it’s quiet, now.
here, at least.

I wish you could see me now
with dried tears on my cheeks
and a body screaming for
release.
they said they wanted out,
and so they went, far and fast
for the cliché.

but you would never guess me for
an ordinary girl.
because in your eyes,
I make a rational choice
and you hear nothing but your own voice.

eviltweeter © 2009

new moon in scorpio

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 15:28:40 GMT

The new moon in Scorpio yesterday has proven to be very trying for me.

First of all, I just wanted to post this because I'd forgotten what it says about the prospects in the Astrology Zone forecasts for November (that I always read) but that it's scary, now that I've read them again, how on the spot they are.

For the past weeks I've been rethinking a choice I made about pursuing a certain direction within the master of Political Science. I've been thinking about the choice between Comparative Political Science and Political Philosophy throughout the summer. I finally made a choice for Political Philosophy, for a number of different reasons that seemed valid to me at the time I had to make the decision. However, I've been particpating in 3 seminars now and I'm not a happy camper. Yesterday I was at my moms when the bomb burst and I just broke down crying because I was so unhappy with my choice (on top of that, I had a bad case of PMS).

I had a fall out with her and went back to my own place when this morning I woke up to make an appointment with my study advisor to discuss the options I have for switching to the other program. So tomorrow we will meet. I'm friggin' nervous.

Also, this morning I finally started my period. This is relevant because the moon has been so influential this time.

My rising sign is Scorpio, 10 degrees, so this new moon was in my 1st house. Also, the Moon, in my chart, rules my 9th house of higher education and philosophy.
And here's what it says in Susan's forecasts:

This time the new moon will fall in your solar first house, the house that describes the essence of your personality and how you view yourself. It is the house that holds all your deeply held thoughts and dreams, and all your plans to move ahead in certain areas. These are private thoughts, entirely yours, so I can't tell you what they are, but you already know. You will have two weeks from November 16 to make an initiation on something dearly important to you.

Just wanted to share because I thought it was amazing and it made me fall in love with the universe even more and with astrology in particular.

regret

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:23:31 GMT

there once was obsession
then along came choice
now the only thing left
is consequence

strong will flourished
through ability
weak heart suffered from
humility

but obsession yielded
a difficult choice
and in the here and now
i still hear my voice:
“just shut up and do
what is expected of you”

oh, wrong choice
i want to go back in time
and unsay both of
these terrible lines.

eviltweeter © 2009

showtime

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 12:43:03 GMT

yesterday i took off my armor
and stripped off my clothes,
i was naked while i stood in the spotlight.

it was a risk to catch your eye,
at the same time,
but i did it.
you returned my smile with a look of
ancient suffering in your eyes
you recognized my crime because,
while i stood there naked
i saw the pictures of forgotten times
roll in the reflection of your iris.

you left early and took my armor
with you
underneath your arm you carried it.
you barely registered its heaviness.
so when we ran into each other again
downstairs,
right before we both left,
you were able to tell me:
“i can always fake it”
when i told you how your enthusiasm
does miracles for those
who are not able to recognize
the vulnerability you’d been showing
ever since you took off your disguise
so many years ago
and mistakenly,
people still thought that
it was all part of the show.

eviltweeter © 2009

picture of a girl

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:59:28 GMT

the picture of a blessed and happy little girl
perched upon the old black window sill
is what catches her attention,
when she shakes herself out of her reverie

the girl has grown older in the picture that
hangs on the wall, accompanied by
other memories of long lost times:
she smiles on all occasions

then she turns back to the window and thinks
about how it is a strange thing to change
and how it is strange that we only
care to take pictures when we are happy

the girl in the picture has lost some
along the way to where she sits now
perched upon the edge of the couch
she bought on a happy day

she notices the pattern, but is not afraid
of how the first picture stands alone
how those on the wall have grouped together
and how she sits here, now, alone

perched upon a couch the girl sits,
looking at herself through past eyes,
through future eyes as well:
now she will not take the picture

she saves her smile for happy times.

eviltweeter © 2009

utopia

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:04:21 GMT

sometimes i wish there was an insect
that likes to suck the fat off my hips
and sting until i would finally be able
to control this obsession,
with food.
like when i nearly lose control
and you push me hard
up against a wall,
without mercy
and afterwards
are shocked that you did.
your eyes betray how you don’t understand
my willingness to let you,
or, me taking a liking to the fact
that you did.

my dream always ends right where
the realization dawns and shows
up on your face
oh how i wish it was truly in your nature
to push and push and push me
until i would lose control and cry and cry out
and live.

but i’m looking for solutions
in wrong or utopian places
and every time i wake up
i merely see your serene face staring back
at me
and i don’t need to look
underneath the covers
to realize how i wish i wasn’t

hungry

today.

eviltweeter © 2009

caged

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:42:27 GMT

she is contained and caged
by her elusive self
she does not like that about herself at all,
but she wants you
and you want her too

she is deeply attracted
or attractive,
she has a childlike quality
and eyes that betray a fantasy
not a word about her body
because she wants you
and you want her too

you kiss her lips and taste her
complexity
you feel more than physical
attraction,
but she is contained
and caged,
by her elusive self
but who cares because
she wants you,
she wants you,
and you want her too

eviltweeter © 2009

it was a long time coming

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 12:23:51 GMT

i have wanted to write this poem for ages
never, though, have i really been capable of
finding the right words to express what i feel
in my heart whenever
somebody takes my hand and leads me places
takes my head and teaches me things
that need to be seen and taught
and it makes me happy

so even while i’m writing this now
i realize i have not found the right words yet,
but this will have to do
like madonna says
“express yourself, don’t repress yourself”

i’m sitting here now with a burned out cigarette
and an empty cup of coffee
i am alone, like most of the time
but times like these i don’t feel lonely
only disappointed

again, somebody took my hand
he showed me things that elicit sighs of bliss
took my mind and kept it from closing
cause it was about to do just that

but then,
even though i have not found the right words yet
(this i must emphasize over and over)
i must say this:
a recurring pattern of abrupt goodbyes
of people scared of confrontation
has left me here, with a burned out cigarette

not lonely at all,
just very disappointed.

eviltweeter © 2009

conversation's over

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 12:15:23 GMT

can i have a conversation with you?
i think to myself,
we met each other two times now
on the same day
and each time i forgot
to look at your face

three times makes the best timing
for our little conversation
i ask you why you were not there
you do not answer me straight
but then, you do.
“i never go to these things”
you say
i don’t know if you say that to
legitimize your absence
i ask you “why, you are too shy?”
you joke and say: “yes”, but then begin to
digress
because there is no honest answer
to my ambiguous question
i am not looking for one anyway

you ask me “hey, what about
this and that?”
so there is something else
you want to know,
now we are talking anyway
you ask me something about something
i do not know much about
but you mistake my honesty for
disguised insincerity
and then you stare me down

i'm not alone,
there,
with you
the moment you employ your eyes
to do the job your mouth should do
sometimes i wonder how
people can have such different conceptions
of how things really are
but this time the third party notices
and sympathizes with me

i think you are a self-interested coward
with a misleadingly charismatic brain
but my fellow student thinks
you are a “father figure”
i barely contained my laughter
when i heard this coming from her
but maybe it’s the true vibe that she gets from you?
maybe you send me different signals
because that’s just what you do?

how come we always end up speaking
but never really saying anything at all?
i think all these things, when you smile and say:
“i have to go, now”
i think them always, but never speak them
while i smile back and wonder how

eviltweeter © 2009

mission: transcendence

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:22:36 GMT

we all have our sores
the body pulses
when we take it personally

we all have imperfections
the brain wracks
when we think it over
too much

i could be offended
by your absence when i thought i
had it all figured out
i could pretend i know how
and why
and when,
about you.

i could think i don't pretend,
but really know

yet,

your absence is all i need
to see clearly how
we all have our sores
and could care,
less

about showing them,
knowing them,

really outgrowing them.

eviltweeter © 2009

open(ed)?

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 12:43:36 GMT

it’s a melting pot and an opened slot
two qualified concepts to rot,
away in the never ending conversation
of our bodies.

you come with your appalling eyes
and non-existent eyebrows
what makes you think i just want
alien fingers on my ass?
makes you think i want
desperate views of my crotch
magnified in your iris
when you come so close with those
appalling eyes?

you always care to emphasize
how you’re able to read between the lines
but my body is not a good representation
of how my heart likes to be worked
you have not figured out yet,
what the difference is,
i know.

you think if water makes me wet
gestures can have the same effect

so you come on too strong,
with your appalling eyes
giving a clear view of what goes on
in your body, in your mind
what makes you think i want
to just be considered an opened slot?
while you melt and melt and melt
and my heart lies there
to rot.

eviltweeter © 2009

in my arms

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:18:53 GMT

you can come, if you want to go in
my arms are wide open, the fire’s on
my eyes are wide open, my body’s warm
i welcome you and your insecurity
into my arms.
come, if you want to

you can come, if you need to
cry when you can’t do so
love when you can’t want it
i welcome you and your inhibition
into my arms.
come, if you need to

you can seep into me, if you care
about me when you say you don’t
about love when you say you won’t
i welcome you and your denial
into my arms.

come, without fear,
come, without shame,
come and attain
your love in my arms.

eviltweeter © 2009

in class

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:44:56 GMT

he was having a hard time
his speech slurred,
his body purred;
his heart was on the line

a gentle breeze kidnapped
his voice,
a vision in front trapped:
no choice,
his truth was cold
but his heart was not
no vision, no courage,
no line of thought

he was having a hard time
stuttering occured,
his vision blurred,
his heart left behind

eviltweeter © 2009

dolphin's cry

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 12:14:00 GMT

what touches you,
when you don't know it at all?
how does it touch you,
when you want what you can't have?
does it touch you,
exactly because,
or in spite of that fact?

_________

papa, ik mis jou.

tangle

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 08:49:21 GMT

for Helena

her voice soothes me
words profound but body far away
a kindred soul willing to offer spirit
telling a life, with such verve
willing to listen to my dreamy babbles
that never quite capture reality
on the verge of insanity,
it is her voice that keeps me sane

she is my sister
we share not blood,
not clothes,
but substance and dreams
we share an abstract reality
that unfolds the moment we open
and lies dormant when we do not speak
that sparks with electricity
when her voice and mine
tangle and unwind on a stormy evening
and after one and a half hour,
merge together to not confuse
but acknowledge substance,
not deny,
but embrace its dual nature

when we speak,
we tangle a bit more each time
we do so to mature,
and then unwind

eviltweeter © 2009

honesty

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 20:15:21 GMT

our discussions sweep through obscure dark alleys
you know, the ones where dirty old men hide
and look you up and down
keeping their hands in control, behind their back
while their eyes suggest
a lot of effort is put in that

your voice is a one way street, generally
mine always stops at the end of a dead alley
then turns around only to find
it has lost its way
my mind trying to catch up in the process
where my words are leading me

complication is not where i consciously
collect my hopes when we talk
but my mind gets lost while my voice just
talks.

honesty is not a luxury
though i cannot really grasp
the necessity of the good,
you give it to me freely,
while i can’t.

i wish i reciprocated a general sense of importance
while running through this street
aimlessly just running,

any place it leads me.

eviltweeter © 2009